My name is Ceitllyn. I am the oldest of 10 children from an Italian American family. When I was 18, thinking it was the only path open to me, I got married. My first child, my son, was born a week away from my 20th birthday. He was so little and quiet when he was born. I was sure I knew everything there was to know about being a mom. I had had alot of time to practice. To be sure, there was very little that I did know.
I was not able to admit how little I knew about raising children. I took other people's advice, mom, mother-in-law, friends, peers but I did not know how to listen to my heart. Even with this wonderous new person in my life, my heart still felt empty. I wanted him to fill the holes in my life. As he grew, so did my holes. All the pretending and smiling did not cover up the deeper hurt within my heart.
I learned how to be a victim of nearly everything and everyone, having children was the beginning of how to be Divine. My son, Jerry, began my teaching. I didn't know it then, but those were the easy lessons. Nearly one year ago, Jerry died.
Now, many, many years later, I am looking towards Jerry's 33rd birthday. This year we celebrate his life without him on this earth. These lessons he teaches me now have been the hardest of all. They are the epitome of surrender and release of all I want to control. Death has a way of holding my mirror clearer and brighter. It lights areas of my life I had desired to hold away. Every time I feel the tug of victimness or the tears of pain and insecurity I know there are still holes.
In the Light and Heart of the Divine, I feel his love. I am beginning to learn love for myself. When I think that I have to do something to deserve that love, it seems impossible to achieve. My son did not have to earn my love. He just was, perfect and wonderful and I loved him immensely; I still love him just as much. My lesson now is to know I am just as wonderous and loved as he was and continues to be.
I hope you will walk this journey with me.
